Don't Say You Miss Me

 

What is up with this dull ache? I can't fathom why it is back again. I have buried it a long time ago. I have moved on. And yet after so many years, it has recurred once again. I don't know how to describe it. I don't feel comfortable with it. Times have changed and yet it stayed the same.

Why do I have to think about you again? Why am I suddenly thinking about us way back when? You didn't have to tell me you missed me. We have been living apart for years already. I don't know how to react. Should I say the same back?

So many questions linger. So many thoughts continue to stay. This wasn't me then. You were in love with the me back then. But why do you keep on telling me that nothing really changed? Why now? Why not sooner? Everything is just too sudden. Everything is just confusing to me.

You waited. You sure bid your time. I did and then I moved forward. Isn't that the right to do? Isn't that what people who break up do? I guess you did too or maybe I am just telling myself this to feel better? See, you got my mind muddled too.

Can we ever be friends again? That I wonder. But after a year of talking to each other again on and off, I feel like I am inching closer to the answer. Unfortunately, the answer might just be no. For our past is blurring the present and that will not be good for our futures. Please understand that.

But how do I say it? I have never been the confrontational type. I have never really been the type to voice out what's in my head that easily. I tend to linger until I have no other options left. I hate it. I wish I was braver.

However, do I really want this? Do I really want you to hurt again? Do I really wish to hurt you another time? If I can't say so now then I still have to eventually. It will still hurt regardless of when I say so. But look at me holding myself back again. I am such a fool.

So here I am with my feelings and thoughts bottled up inside. I guess I will just have to evade you this time. Maybe evasion is better. Will it be less painful? No. It is a cowardly thing to do. But didn't I do the same many years ago too?

Look at where that decision led. I often wonder what could have been. Yes, I am filled with what ifs and that's frustrating. I wish I never had regrets. Too bad I am somehow riddled with them.

I hope that one day I will be able to be free to express what is really inside of me.But until then, I think I should not be waited upon. I feel like that time won't be coming soon. Not yet at least. I am not that matured yet to think that through.

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